ThrivingTwogether

Heater Vent Cover

I chuckled to myself this morning as my wife and I discussed heater vent covers.

Seems trivial, but we want to make our 40 year-old home beautiful.

And every detail matters.

As part of our home remodel, we discuss every aesthetic and functional detail. 

We are solicitous of each other, showing mutual respect as we ask, "What do you think?"

By considering each others' thoughts and feelings (even about heater vent covers), we avoid getting heated up.

As anger rises, options diminish (see Crucial Conversations).  

 

Susceptible or Impervious?

A relationship matures and endures as one or both spouses become susceptible to growth.

Impervious individuals resist responsibility.

Susceptible spouses bounce ideas off of one another, solicit feedback and continually take accountability.

Impervious marrieds resist change like steel against flint.

A couple saved two thousand dollars in home remodeling by bouncing ideas off of each other.

They were open to new ideas and concepts, thinking a great idea would come by being susceptible to other's ideas.

 Are you becoming susceptible (porous) or impervious?

 

 

 

 

Gradually

Change often happens imperceptibly.

Gradual changes only appear when accumulated over a period of time.

One wrinkle goes unnoticed, but a wrinkly octogenarian is hard to miss. 

A husband becoming (gradually) a little nicer is worth noting.

A wife choosing to give of her self (gradually) is impressive.

Gradually often leads to "all of a sudden."

And "all of a sudden" means a revolutionary relationship has been fashioned. 

Start your revolutionary marriage gradually. 

 

 

It's not about you

During final preparations for a major event, my wife gently reminded me, "It's not about you."

That's great life advice. Each person's life is ultimately about helping and lifting others, not self.

We merely look in the mirror to fix self, and then look out the window to rescue others.

 

 

(Photo courtesy Griffyndor) 

 

Celebration

Do you hate your spouse?

Tolerate your spouse?

Appreciate your spouse?

Celebrate your spouse?

Hate and apathy are prevalent is some marriages.

If you choose to appreciate your spouse you'll eventually celebrate your spouse.

 

(Photo courtesy Yoninah)

 

The Ultimate Marriage Package

Today we are proud to announce The Ultimate Marriage Package. It's designed to help soon-to-be-marrieds, long-term marrieds and we-might-get-divorced-if-we-don't-get-help marrieds to become happy and loving. 

It includes: 

• 10 Videos
• 1 App
• 5 Hours of Audio Sessions
• 2 Free Sessions
• 10 Blog Posts
• 10 Books

It's now available on https://www.thrivingtwogether.com/product/the-ulitmate-marriage-package/

If you or someone you love needs help with their marriage, then get them the Ultimate Marriage Package for $397. It's cheaper than divorce. And it feels better too! 

 

 

 

The Mistletoe Promise

After falling in love with a few of Richard Paul Evans' books, I listened to The Mistletoe Promise. 

He carefully crafted a powerful love story illustrating forgiveness, unconditional love, change and hope. 

If you want a book that will heal and help your marriage, then read/listen to The Mistletoe Promise.

 

Breakfast With Julie

Yesterday morning my sister, Julie, was in town from New York.

We grabbed breakfast at Kneaders and enjoyed conversation while feasting on pieces of thick French Toast. 

Julie's husband jokingly asked her (via text) if her "frugal brother" had bought breakfast.

I had.

It was an investment into one of my favorite persons--my sister.

Life consists of investing time and money into people who matter most to us. 

Money hoarded in selfishness amplifies bitterness and discontent.

Go ahead. Spend money on relationships. It's even better than yummy French Toast.oast. 

 

Thanks for believing...and not giving up

Last week  Melissa and I attended a wedding ceremony and reception for a long-time friend.

At the end of the day our friend thanked us for believing in him and not giving up.

Although he had struggled for about ten years, it felt small (to him and us) in comparison to his current happiness.

Over the last few weeks I have cried and laughed with immense joy as I've thought of his changed nature. 

I wonder how many more people I ( and you?) should believe in?  

Next. 

 (Photo courtesy Shantanu Kuveskar)

 

Lumberjacks need not apply

Nourish is a simple yet powerful word.  To promote the growth of anything is vital and rewarding. But it takes time to grow anything.

Teachers in elementary school gave my classmates and I  tiny trees for Arbor Day. After taking my little tree home I planted it and quickly forgot about it. I didn't take  time to nourish my Pine Tree.  I thought it would grow quickly without any effort.  Of course my tree never thrived.

This same lack of nourishment abounds in many families. Daily, prospective nurturing is missing in many marriages. With some parents, it's missing with child-rearing.  It's missing with savings and debt-reduction. A nourishment mindset is lacking in investing if our purpose is quick, no effort results with an unproven investor. Quick fixes or abandonment often attempt to fill the void left by a lack of nourishment.

Divorce, bankruptcies, excessive credit card debt, lotteries, and  payday-loans are often the manifestations of neglected nourishment.

The good news is that most families have a mature tree (i.e. income, marriage, children)-- they simply need to nourish their tree to help it thrive. We don't need to create a new tree, we simply need to nourish it. Watering  and sunlight will revive most trees. And unconditional love and time together will heal most marriages. Most financial situations rejuvenate with a budget and a little self-discipline. Most children thrive with freedom and the guidance of correct principles.

It's an attractive idea to plant new trees (e.g. get a new spouse, trade your children, or find a new job), but it is far easier and more rewarding to nourish our current trees.

(Photo courtesy Victor Grigas)

Not the same

Symmetry means complimentary, harmonious, proportional, or balanced.

Marriage is symmetrical. Husbands need a complimentary wife. Wives need a complementary husband. Marriage partners are not identical, but complimentary.

An impetuous spouse needs a cautious spouse to prevent overspending.

Analytical spouses need emotional spouses to add variety to their marriage.

Symmetry isn't sameness--it's better. Symmetry is the ultimate form of teamwork. It's celebrating the differences in spouses because their differences make us better.

(Photo courtesy Wikipedia)

Marriage is symmetrical. Husbands need a complimentary wife. Wives need a complementary husband. Marriage partners are not identical, but complimentary.

An impetuous spouse needs a cautious spouse to prevent overspending.

Analytical spouses need emotional spouses to add variety to their marriage.

Symmetry isn't sameness--it's better. Symmetry is the ultimate form of teamwork. It's celebrating the differences in spouses because their differences make us better.

Prepared like Charles

Charles Schulz was legendary, funny and inspirational.

One little known fact is that he kept about 6-8 weeks ahead of the publication schedule. 

What would happen to your relationships if you were prepared, really prepared weeks and months before "showtime?"

Have you rehearsed your schedule and significant events with your spouse? 

Do you prepare/plan/organize with your partner weekly and daily?

Many couples simply appear at Carnegie Hall without having practiced together.

Then when things go wrong, they lament.

Practice, plan, organize and get a little ahead.

It makes life smoother. 

(Photo courtesy Neelix) 

Taking off the hat and glasses

About eleven years ago I was given the opportunity to lead a group of approximately 500 neighbors.

I was new in the area and I knew very few people.

During the first few months of my assignment, I felt scrutinized and anxious. 

Everyone seemed to know me, but I recognized very few people.

Oftentimes I would eat, shop and play 10-15 minutes away from my neighborhood so I wouldn't need to interact with local, un-familar people.

My incognito disguise was a hat (pulled down)  and dark sun-glasses.

Then one day I was eating at Applebee's with my wife when a man and his wife approached us.

I had no clue who they were, but they knew us.  And they were so happy and nice to us. They were from our neighborhood. 

It wasn't long after that, I decided to forget about me. I began to focus on my neighbors and their needs.

I dropped my disguise and embraced the new situation.

Yet, even now I have to remember my life (words, actions, behavior) is not a selfish, incognito pursuit.

Life is about selflessly lifting others. It's about windows, not mirrors. It's looking outward, not inward. 

It's about removing the hat and glasses. 

 

 

 (Photo courtesy Ask27)

Get back on your feet, it's Showtime!

The phone call last week was unexpected.

Years ago, I tried to help a friend with a difficult choice. But it appeared that he (and me) had failed. 

Or so I thought. 

Sure, everything didn't work out the way either of us wanted, but he didn't permanently fail. 

And in fact the phone call helped me see that he was progressing well. He invited me to his wedding. 

His (long-ago) mishap reminded me of George Washington during the Revolutionary War (defeat after defeat in many battles, but win the war with mercy, work and luck).

And then yesterday another friend who failed (don't we all?) wrote to tell me about his progress. He too is getting married (re-maried actually). 

Getting knocked off our feet is a regular occurrence for most of us.

Showtime is when we stand up again and begin more intelligently. 

(Photo courtesy George Bellows)

 

Faith to Finish

*I was finishing a call in seat 22 on a flight from Jacksonville to Dallas when a lady tried to squeeze in next to me.

Her Michael Kors bag bumped me as she took the middle seat. I sat looking out the window glued to my phone.

Rather quickly her jovial, boisterous personality caught my attention.

After finishing my call, we talked about fitness, family and faith. After three hours of talking I told her that this blog post would be for her.

She wants to stay married and live happily ever after, but marriage has turned into a nightmare of abuse and disrespect.

She is considering divorce.

I told her this life is for joy and happiness and marriage is meant to last forever.

She told me that she believes couples who pray together stay together.

Profound!

As we talked, I thought of my Mom's and Dad's advice about tough times.

My mom teaches the importance of holding on when you come to the end of your rope.

My Dad teaches "the sun often shines brightest after a dark storm."

Of course my parents believe those things because they have relied on God and worked hard on their marriage for over 50 years. 

I don't know how her story will end, but I hope she will study, think, pray and then do what is right.

 

(*The first version of this was published by me a few years ago)

Forever Young?

My friend Harold died in 2013.  I have written about him a few times.

He passed away within 18 months of his cancer diagnosis.

I literally watched him lose over thirty pounds and shrink five inches in twelve months. 

He always asked me how I was doing and if there was anything he could do for me.

He worked hard and smart. And he never bragged about his career choice (physician). 

His life looked like this:

Survival->Success->Significance->Legacy

His hard work helped him retire early. Then he began to help people to a greater extent by donating several hours of his time each week.

When he died, many people wrote and spoke of his impact and legacy.

Harold did so much to help others, but he didn't prepare his wife for life without him.

His wife had never been involved much with finances. 

So when he passed away she felt helpless as she navigated a new world of money management.

Health problems ravish everyone at some point. And early death can happen to anyone. 

Are you preparing yourself and your spouse for a health crisis? Or maybe even an early death?

 

 

 

Embrace undulation

When conversation turns crucial, what do you do?

Fight, attacking the person you love?

Fight, attacking the problem instead of your partner?

Flee, leaving the person you love?

Flee, leaving a hated problem, but staying with your love?

Have you tried flow?

Flow is moving/adjusting with your problems. 

It's like a surfer who stays on top of undulating waves. 

(Oftentimes) we don't need fight or fight.

Don't leave the ocean. Don't  curse the waves. 

Get in the Ocean. Embrace the waves. Self-adjust.

Like a surfer. 

 

(Photo courtesy Wikipedia) 

Mystery Inc. or Mechanic?

M. Scott Peck in his classic book The Road Less Traveled taught a powerful concept, "...life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be lived."

Mechanics fix things. Detectives discover mysteries.

A mechanic controls things, thereby obtaining a perfect outcome.

But relationships involve people who can't (and shouldn't) be controlled. 

Detectives explore, allow for chance and volition and eventually find an outcome. 

Detectives work with people. Mechanics work with things.

Top Gear or Scooby-Doo?

Cooter or Nancy Drew?

The Fonz or Sherlock?

B. A. Baracus or The Hardy Boys? 

Too often I have tried to fix people and events to get my desired outcome.

Detectives discover an outcome, they don't try to go about 'fixin' everything and everyone.

Be a mechanic, fix your problems. And be a detective, exploring, discovering life with those you love.

 

 

Legacy building

A little over 17 years ago when my oldest child was born, I thought I was a perfect father. Then we brought her home from the hospital. 

It was then, I realized I was impatient, selfish, and a poor provider. I needed to become much better.

Thankfully there are many wonderful parents who showed me and my wife how to be excellent. 

Excellent parents go on dates with their children. Wonderful parents play with her children. 

Impactful parents love their children and listen to their children.

Long-lasting parents ask questions and talk with her children.

They work alongside their children and worship with their children.

Successful parents invest time and money, prayers, effort, emotions and everything they possibly have into being a better person.

Legacy leaving parents establish a better relationship with their spouse and thereby bless their children.

Raise your example, then raise your children.

The Piano-playing Chef

Reinvention and  innovation are two words rarely associated with family.

Automobile manufacturers often talked of innovation in the 1980's as they sought to compete with Honda and Toyota.

And business thought leaders such as Clayton Christensen talk of disruptive innovation.

In family the tendency is to push others to change. Parents often push children to become smarter, stronger, and more emotionally adept.

But how often do we focus on creating a brand-new self? How often do we innovate?

Pushing ones-self to be better and do new things, becoming a new person, is what life is about.

The more we become, the more we can give. 

A former factory worker, recently took up cooking, piano playing and computers! 

And he learned to be more loving and kind. 

He is innovating and reinventing in his late 60's.

Do you need to become a new person? Learn a new skill?

 

 

 

 

 

(Photo courtesy Megapixie)

Rock-solid Muscles, just ask Melissa

Those who pursue an ideal (ideal=growing, not flawless) marriage often feel like they are pushing against a boulder. No progress, just exertion.

But perhaps  most important is what we become in the process of pursuing the ideal marriage, not whether we are progressing (or even obtaining). 

Muscles of patience, kindness, gentleness, persuasion, and level-headedness become massive under the strenuous work required to achieve a lasting, legacy-rich marriage.

But it's worth it. Ask Melissa.

Tomorrow Melissa and I celebrate 18 years of marriage.  And who we've become in 18 years or marriage is far better than where we began! 

 

 

(Photo courtesy localfitness.com)

Weatherman

Meteorologists are famously wrong. 

Often their predictions are far from accurate.

Nevertheless they continue to attempt to control the weather. 

We can learn much from weathermen attempting to control the temperature. 

26 year-old Cam Newton became agitated and heated after losing the Super Bowl.

He failed to control his temperature.

A 39 year-old, Peyton Manning (with 4 Super Bowl appearances and 2 wins) seems to be the master of cool emotions.

And Kobe Bryant admitted he was too "hot" when he first entered the NBA.

Now nearly 20 years later, Kobe says the Spurs (think Tim Duncan,  Tony Parker and Popovich with their stoic demeanor) taught him to be "cool" and calm.

Now more than ever we need to choose cool and collected.

Marrieds, parents and especially foes need to become weathermen-choosing the weather instead of merely accepting heated conditions . 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts For Thriving Together

A friend fixed his wife's car. It took him eight hours, but prevented them from spending several hundred dollars at the repair shop. 

The best part is, he expressed his love by investing time into her concerns.

With that in mind, let me ask some questions to enhance and ignite your relationship.

 

Is this conversation crucial? 

Did I choose convenience or commitment when I get married?

Am I willing to work on myself to ensure a better relationship?

Do I need more money or more control of my money? 

Does my money tell me what to do or do I tell my money where to go?

Is my marriage like a microwave or a crockpot?

How many date nights should a thriving couple have?

What are my top priorities?

Are children more important than my spouse?

Who do I need to become to be trusted?

Do I regularly practice forgiveness?

Do I lack time? Or do I need to prioritize? 

 

 

E. R. O. by Urban Meyer

I first learned about Urban Meyer when he led the University of Utah to a perfect football season in 2004. He later coached Florida State and Ohio to National Championships. 

So when he published a book a few months back, I was excited to learn about his remarkable leadership skills.

It's one thing to be a winner with one organization, but to take three separate teams to championships and undefeated seasons in your first few years is legendary. 

In his book, Above The Line, Coach Meyer teaches several excellent truths.

One such truth is his formula for responsibility: ERO.

E= Event

R= Response

O= Outcome

We often don't control events nor outcomes, but we certainly control our response.

Meyer explained that one of his back-up quarterbacks became a true leader the moment he proactively took blame for a bad decision. 

Dependents (whiners, complainers, judgers) become independent leaders the moment "R" becomes ingrained. 

 

 

 

 

 

Jamaican Honking

In NYC, honking means one thing-get out of the way now. New Yorkers are famous for gruff, honking cab drivers. The competition to get people moved from location to location with rapidity is intense. But in Jamaica cabbies often use honking as a greeting, a form of corroboration instead of fast-paced competition. Jamaicans want to extend a "mon" or a "rasta" instead of a "you jerk, move it!" They want their friends to know they've seen them and their friendship is important. How is your family? More like New Yorkers with speed and urgency, forcing out kindness? Or are you like the Jamaicans? Cooperation, love and kindness infused into your very being?

Let Them Eat Cupcakes

A Florida father recently found himself unemployed. What did he do? He fell back on his cupcake business and his jump house business. Then he started two new businesses. His family worked with him to make all four businesses successful. But what would happen had he not had two part-time businesses already running when he lost his job? Their cupcake truck even sold out last weekend. After months of unemployment and much family work on multiple businesses, this large Florida family is beginning to thrive financially Of course, they laid the foundation before a job loss. Business building and family building are excellent foundations for prosperity. And preparation is best done BEFORE it's needed. (Photo courtesy Pamela)

Meandering in Marriage

A couple years ago I had one of the longest days of my life.

I love to get things done and I like to go fast. 

So when  I went (reluctantly) on an eight hour hike that turned into a 12 hour hike, I felt miserable. 

A friend recently contrasted my experience with one of his own.

He too went hiking.

But when a Moose blocked his path, he simply took pictures of the moose while he patiently waited and enjoyed the journey.

Enjoying the journey. That's one of the keys in marriage too.

Enjoying the journey is like a meandering river: slow and enjoyable.

Meandering is a must in marriage because marriage is a process not an event. And the process is meant to be enjoyed.

 

 

 

Big Ol' Bunny Ears

As I shopped for books at the thrift store yesterday I overheard two people talking.

An experienced employee was "training" a novice employee. He often told the novice employee about himself, while neglecting to ask her questions or to listen to her. 

As I searched for books for about 10 to 15 minutes, I couldn't help but notice that the experienced employee dominated the conversation, talking incessantly.

I reflected back to times when I was a new employee.  How I yearned to ask questions, to be heard because it was so scary.

Later as I told my son the story of the talkative, experienced employee, I reflected back to stories that my dad told me about Bugs Bunny and his big ears.

As a child, my Dad wowed me with creative stories about Bugs Bunny outsmarting birds and even Elmer Fudd. 

Invariably Dad would tell stories with big-earned rabbits and often he drew us children pictures of big-eared rabbits.

So yesterday I thought about how this guy could've had big ears.

He could've heard.

He could've listened.

He could've helped a scared employee.

What about you?  Do you dominate the conversation in your relationships?

Or do you have big Bugs Bunny ears?

 

(Photo courtesy Larry D. Moore)

Childlike

A man told me he was trying to become perfect for his wife.

Big mistake.

No one can become "mistake-free" in a growing marriage.

Growing marriages need experimentation; and experimenters make mistakes.

Children intuitively experiment. They focus on learning, not impeccable results. 

Perfection has two diametrically opposed meanings.

1. complete.

2. mistake-free.

Enduring marriages are composed of mistake-ridden people who seek to complete each other by offering unconditional love.

Thriving marriages are composed of two growing individuals who are willing to make mistakes.

Growing, learning marrieds make plenty of mistakes.

Choose growth, not mistake-free. 

Choose to be like a child.

 

Gritty Gal

Years ago (after Melissa and I were married), my sisters warned her about me: "He's pushy, spoiled and the baby of our family." 

My sisters spent much of of their formative years teaching me.

Their spoiled, little, obstinate brother had a long way to go.

But my wife has proven faithful to the task of helping me grow and develop.

Her grit has been tangible and effective.

Gritty people are tenacious and courageous.

They persevere, endure, and are determined.

And they show fortitude and are hardy.

Gritty persons have high morals and strong character.

Grit is often the separator between a mere convenient marriage, and a covenant marriage (where promises are made to community, each other, parents, posterity and even with God.)

Marrieds who happily live ever after, use grit to last.

Gritty marrieds cling to commitments; not convenience. 

What will you do when your marriage gets hard? Will you be gritty enough?

 

A Tale of Two Tire Stores

Les Schwab and Discount Tire are located Across the street in Lindon, Utah.

I needed to get my tires properly inflated (the 30 degree days siphoned air from my tires).

A lady at Les Schwab begrudgingly agreed to inflate my tires ( I didn't buy my tires from them, so there was no perceived monetary benefit for them to help me). Then when I visited the store they told me to wait 45-60 minutes. 

I felt like an inconvenience.

I left and went across the street to Discount Tire. 

Discount Tire took 5 minutes and didn't even ask if I bought the tires from them.

One business sells tires. Transactional. 

The other serves people who buy tires. Relational.

Do business with companies that treat you like a person. 

We need more Santa's and less Scrooge's. 

People matter. And money (and joy) comes to those who treat people like they matter.

Guess where I will buy new tires? 

 

 

The Missing Ingredient

Have you ever tried to bake a cake without eggs? Or without milk? 

Just one missing ingredient can make a cake taste bland.

In marriage, what's the missing ingredient?

Integrity.

Often men and women withhold vital information (and trivial tiny truths).

A lady noticed that her husband's luxury SUV was keyed while she used it. Did she tell him?

Yes, but she said it was very difficult.

 

Why? Because they had kept many secrets from each other.

It reminds me of the movie Sneakers: "too many secrets!" 

For enduring, happy, growing marriages, add the ingredient of integrity. 

She was the loudest

Community Center basketball was a huge part of my life from the time I was nine until I turned 13. I loved playing basketball and I loved winning even more (although I had my share of losing too).

One year my team lost almost every game. Another year we won every game. 

One of the things that brings a smile to my face now is how loud my Mom was at my games.  After a rebound, she would  shout to me "hold on to that ball, you're a Davis!?"

Or after a made shot, "Good job Ryan!!!!"

She seemed just as loud and happy for me whether my team won or lost. She cheered for me!

My friends teased me about my "loud" mom. 

And now I try to be the loud parent for my children.

A few days ago I found myself cheering and clapping loudly for my son as he attempted to break boards in his Tae Kwon do class. 

Maybe someday my kids will remember me as the loudest. 





 

She was shaking her head

A man told me how good of a listener he is. The only problem was his wife was shaking her head in disagreement.

No matter how good of a listener you think you are, what matters is what your spouse thinks.

Listening is best done when you seek to understand the other person.

Listening is also predicated upon mutual respect : you have to sincerely care about the other person to truly have open ears.

Great listeners also act upon the knowledge they've received. They do what they need to do after intently listening.

Excellent listeners not only apply, but they do not take the message personally. They know how good they are and yet are willing and hungry to improve.

If your spouse nods when you listen, then you've arrived.

But if she shakes her head, you might be fooling no one.

Not about the Black-belt

One of my childhood friends became a Judo Black-belt partly because his Dad wanted to spend more time with him.

His Dad wanted to spend time with him but didn't know how to formally make the time to be with him.

So he found a martial arts instructor and paid for my friend to take Judo lessons 2-3 times a week for eight years.

My friend not only became a Black-belt, but he found out how much his mother and father cared for him.

His parents invested hours (and much money) every week to be with him and to cheer him on.

What was the pay-off for his parents?

Today the Judo black belt watches his son (and daughter) participate in sports and plays.

And my friend's parents are glad they invested time into their best asset, their son.

Waiting

Einstein taught that time distorts with speed. Time changes with speed, but people don't.

We shouldn't try to 'quickly' change others.

A lady became upset at her husband because he didn't immediately change his poor behavior.

Time, love and acceptance are needed for lasting change to occur.

A spouse whose acted poorly for years will need more than a night to change.

Coincidently, patient waiting (while actively searching for bargains) is key to prosperity too.

Are you trying to use speed to change a spouse?

Try changing yourself and lovingly accepting others.

It takes two to tandem

During a visit to a small town I recently observed several people riding tandem bikes up and down mountains and throughout the town.

I don't see that very often where I live so that caused me to think a little bit.

Riding a tandem bike is the ultimate metaphor for being interdependent. Two people come together to unitedly move forward.

A couple must work together (interdependently) on a tandem bike.

Working against each other (independently) causes stagnation.

Interdependence not independence is vital for happiness and progression.

Work with each other. Understand each other. Move forward together. Learn to work together. Learn to seek your spouses interest and their well-being. Hold them in high regard.

Two together make a tandem bike progress.

The 16 year-old boss

My daughter, Anastasia, is amazing! She takes summer classes for fun, helps others through hardships and loves to learn about business.

Last week she attended business week in Northern Utah and was voted CEO by her peers. She paid for half the cost and we covered the rest.

Many will say children are liabilities. She's not. The love, time and money we've given her has come back with massive returns.

An asset pays dividends. A liability drains resources.

Children should be one of your top assets.

The money you spend on them should be an investment not an enablement.

Give them resources to help them grow and become self-reliant not to facilitate weakness and dependence.

Fluency required

Perhaps one of the most well-known and least understood books for all time is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

Most people know that there's many ways to show love: Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and gifts are a few "languages" of love.

Then why do we persist in trying to show love the way that we like to be shown love instead of showing love the way that our spouse wants to have love shown?

Many marriages could have more love, passion and joy if spouses learned their spouses love language and then used it.

A man told me he spent many years and much money buying amazing gifts for his wife (manicures, pedicures, fancy dinners).

Yet all she wanted was his time and nice words.

Know your spouse's love language and then speak it daily.

It will save you time. Money. And your marriage!

100 million isn't enough

A 22,000 foot mansion, fame, 100 million and a Rolls Royce. What would you do/be/give up for that?

Floyd Mayweather has all that and more.

The price? Hard work, talent and marketing savvy.

During his career he physically abused a few women and intimidated/abused girlfriends and his children.

And yet he still is admired as a boxer. Boxing should happen only in the ring, not at home.

He's not a real, permanent success regardless of his skills or money.

100 million isn't enough to replace loving relationships. It's not enough to salve a pained conscience. 100 million can't buy happiness.

True wealth is one part loving relationships and one part frugal fun.

Playing Greg

During sixth grade I had an opportunity to play Greg Haskins to see who's the best basketball player in our entire school.

And I failed.

Greg and I had a shootout game of horse in front of every sixth grader. It came down to the final shot. All game I had been shooting difficult shots to get Greg out and to impress the crowd.

I kept trying to please the crowd, never really focusing on the present not-focusing on trying to make my next shot.

I lost a game but gained understanding. My dreams and others' opinion matters little compared to the task at hand.

Get clear on your dreams. Then work to achieve each one. And forget the praise of the world.

Benefit of the doubt

Often we don't like to give the benefit of doubt. We tend to misjudge people thinking that their intentions are malicious, vindictive and mean.

A friend showed me what it means to "give the benefit of the doubt." I attempted a complaint about someone when he said he likes to give the benefit of the doubt.

It's his way of saying find the good in other people, expect the best. Don't look for faults. Expect the best and give the benefit of the doubt.

The Gap

Over the last couple weeks I've heard about "filling in the gaps" in two different settings.

First is while reading a book. The author wrote that we too often fill in the gaps. We make sure that there's no downtime, no free time, no time to think. Always checking email, lost in electronic devices, always doing doing doing and never having any gaps.

The second instance that I heard about gaps is when a good friend of mine explained that it's very very important to have Christ fill in the gaps. We do the best we can but don't sweat it. We don't have to do it all- He fills in the gaps. We simply do our part to help other people and to make our life a masterpiece but ultimately he's capable of filling in the gaps.

Allow gaps to be in your life. Gaps of time, gaps to think and to relax.

And understand that He, Jesus Christ, can fill in all of our gaps,

Hyrum's Interview

Last week my nine-year-old son, Hyrum, stunned me by asking to interview me.

He chose to question me about my duties, health and relationships. He asked questions like, "How are you treating mom? Do you think of her or your work more often? Do you work out too much?

Hyrum got this interview idea from me. For the last two years I've interviewed each of our four children once a month.

I ascertain how they're doing on their mental, physical, Spiritual and social preparations.

The children take stock of where they need to improve and what they're doing well. It's a great tool for accountability and responsibility.

Hyrum's questions warmed my soul and spurred me to greater desires to be good.

The O'Reilly Factor

I don't agree with everything Bill O'Reilly says, but I learned two things from him.

1. Don't interrupt. He always does and we should never. It's a communication killer as it is an impetus for contention.

And interrupting destroys mutual respect.

2. Do you follow Bill O'Reilly's advice when admitting you're wrong? Use the words he uses, "I may be wrong."

These words are magical.

Admit you may be wrong and never interrupt, it's the O'Reilly Factor.

To my valentine

With Valentine's Day just around the corner I couldn't help but think about my special Valentine.

Melissa and I have been married nearly 17 years and I've learned a ton from her about how to be frugal and wise with finances as well as numerous other lessons.

She's taught me how to make extra money too.

A little over four years ago she wisely suggested that we volunteer to help at a local elections. We did and earned over $500 in addition to my regular income.

We used a portion of that $500 to buy a Nintendo Wii and about eight games to go with it. Our family has been blessed for a number of years with some fun games that were paid for in cash because my wife's wise idea.

This Valentine's Day I pay tribute to my frugal, beautiful wife who helps me live a life of freedom.

To the newlyweds

I recently met with a couple who wanted advice on how to become more unified. I told them the idea was a simple solution that my wife and I've been using for 17 years working with multiple businesses, managing and leading four children and keeping a marriage alive and fresh.

The idea? Hold companion council meetings every week. A time when husband and wife anticipate difficulties, schedule dates, review mutual goals and peacefully work through challenges.

If these meetings are held regularly with the intent to bless family, then unity will always follow.

Quitting Kodak

It was in 1987 when my dad officially left his high-paying job at Fortune 100 company. He had spent 17 years at Kodak when he made the decision to quit.

A doctor thought my dad was a lifelong smoker because of all the damage done to his lungs by chemicals from Kodak.

So dad quit his high-paying job so he could be healthy enough to enjoy his family.

Now, 28 years after making that decision, my Dad has continued as a sterling example of a man who places family above money, hobbies, and personal interests.

What about you? Is there anything you love more than family? Are you sacrificing your physical or emotional health for money?

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My 11 year-old son, Joseph, told me about a school kickball game. A bossy girl yelled at him to give her the ball. As she angrily yelled, she didn't see a person stealing second. Joseph, who was calm, noticed the base stealer. Joseph got the base-stealing boy out.

Calmness, tranquility, serenity sees more. Love sees more.

Anger sees less. The girl arguing with Joseph couldn't see the kickball player stealing 2nd base. She was mad, angry.

Joseph was focused and calm.

Remain calm and focused as you decimate debt. Don't let your frustration with money turn to anger.

The Melissa Factor

In 1997 I began to date the lady who would become my wife. Even back then I knew she filled in my gaps. She was a musically inclined, empathetic, listening, prodigy who utterly intimidated me.

A few days ago when I broke my iPhone I called her to see what ideas she had.

She Googled the solution. Next she called a few repair stores to comparison price. Then she searched Amazon and eBay for the best deal on parts.

Total fix? $45. Sure beats $100 at a local repair shop. And it beats buying a new $600 phone or the 2 year contract option of even the used, replacement phone option.

What I learned: Marry up. Ask spouse for help. Listen. Don't panic when something initially looks bad. Hold unto the one you chose.*

(If the decision was right at first, then hold unto it forever. That goes for marriage, family, love, faith, and any other good thing)